This Calls All His Posts Into Question

What kind of BS study is this? My entire perceptions of my colleague need to be radically altered.

Next thing you know, I’ll find out that lemmings don’t cliff-dive.

EDIT: I, apparently, make children’s clothing.  I think it’s a front for pedophiles; as long as the checks clear, right?

Oh, and here’s Kinsanth. With a fruity ‘h’ added.

Because I Loathe And Despise All Of You; Fanfic!

You won’t click this, so I’ll just spoil it for you: it’s Rescue Rangers/Secret of Nimh crossover fanfic. And here’s a couple key lines!

• “GADGET LOOK OUT!” Gadget tried to run out of the way. ‘CRASH!!’ It fell on top of her.”NO GADGET!” Monty ran to it and tried to lift but there was no way he could move that not even a strong human could do it. The hole group tried. “NAAAAAERRGGGG”
• The Ranger’s where flowing a leaded of break-ins. Some one was stealing medical equipment
• “I have spotted Nimnul he’s here and he just went inside his truck.”
• “Can some one help me remove his shirt.” Gadget watches as Chip helps him remove Jonathan’s shirt. Gadget gaze is fixed on his chest. Jonathan tightly fitted muscles show. ‘He not an Arnold but I give him a 10 anyways.’ She thinks to her self.
• “Dale we need a look out. If you see Nimal give us a shout on the radio.” Dale agreed and sat on the ranger wing. The rest of them looked around.

Now, I’ve always maintained that to identify bad writing, you don’t need to be a good writer; you simply need to be a reader of good material. That’s too bad for everyone with an internet connection. To quote Kinsanth: That’s the thing about the Internet, it brings us all closer together. But you don’t want to be close to people; people are chumps.

Also: A review of The Empire of Satanis, the worst free RPG that no one ever played.

Blankianity

Call me old-fashioned, but I really don’t see the point of math. Let me make that a little clearer, before you all think of me as a whackjob. I’d like to keep math around, but I don’t see the purpose of long division. Or calculus, geometry, odd numbers, imaginary numbers, infinity, the incredibly banal “Times 8″ table, and symbols like =, +, and >. In fact, if we do keep it around, I’d rather move to the point of not calling it “math” (or “maths” for the Commonwealthers in the crowd). Call it something like, say, “Solving” or “Happy Even Time”.

Or, you can call the whole idea shit stupid. Much like the following.

Seems that this lady…sorry. I’d like to move beyond the tradition of referring to females as “lady” or “woman“. It’s divisive, and makes me feel odd about being me. “Porta-womb” or just a simple “pussy with boobs“. Men can be called “Supercocks” or just “Seminal Containers“.

Anyway, seems that..uh, Gretta Vosper, wants to move Christianity, well, beyond Christ, which seems a bit odd for someone who’s the ordained minister of West Hill United Church up in Toronto. Here’s a fun series of quotes:

Ms. Vosper does not believe in the Virgin Birth, the Resurrection, the miracles and the sacrament of baptism. Nor does she believe in the creeds, the presence of Christ in communion or that Jesus was the Son of God.

“It’s not that we’re trying to do something new. It’s that we’re trying to catch up on a thousand years of backlogged progress files that have yet to be inputted into the 21st century.”

In With or Without God, Ms. Vosper writes: “[It is time to live] in the current paradigm, being progressive enough to let go of the beliefs and traditions to which we’ve had to tip our hats and curtsy in the past but which can no longer prevail in our contemporary world.”

Well. That’s absolutely fascinating. And to think, all these years I’ve been following made-up, bullshit metaphors! Thanks, Ms. Vosper! Please enlighten us with more “useless traditions” we can wipe away, all by randomly pulling shit out of our asses and covering up that which makes us uncomfortable! Can you get to work on music next? I just can’t get a hold of all those notes.

And Some Inter-Vertebrate Luvin’

Here’s a seal trying to bang a penguin. Obviously, this action excuses all forms of human bestiality. If it’s in nature, it’s ok for us, right?

/wrists

FOR YOOOOOOOOOU!

She Didn’t Inhale, Spit or Swallow

It’s always great when trumped up foreign “journalists” weigh in on American politics. Sometimes there’s a little gold hidden amongst the hand-wringing worry and “America Be Da Debil” rhetoric. But Bob “Gargamel” Ellis on Australia’s ABC takes the cake for being an up-jumped troll of a spiteful man. He’s apparently thrown his non-voting weigh behind Sen. Obama, and seems to take a particular relish in dishing it out on ol’ Sen. Clinton. He goes on in his column that Hillary “may hope his Sirhan Sirhan will take him out on Bobby’s death-day, 40 years on, in June.” How’s that for a nasty quote.

However, Mark Steyn picks up on an even more nasty chain of illogic, wherein Ellis states that since Hillary wouldn’t travel “downtown”, she could be responsible for the Iraq war. That’s a costly non-blowjob. Read on, though, and you’ll see that Ellis puts Obama above Churchill and Lincoln for oration, makes him out to be a World Messiah, the single person who can Unite Us All With Hope (gag).

So, if anything can be judged by his writing, perhaps Bob Ellis is himself an expert at giving a blowjob to a politician.

A Year? Holy Hell

Monthwise, but not yet daywise, UE has been in operation for a year.

Wow. I can’t believe I’ve entertained all of you for a year, and have yet to receive any compensation. That’s right, all 12 of you. And the 4k people looking for lol-cats or Lovecraft quotes. And “impeachy26“, my favorite internet punching bag.

I guess Slothboy and Kinsanth have done whatever it is they do, but who knows. I’m sayin’ I cold busted funny-ass lines and mad-crazy pages for a year, give or take, and all I got was some lousy jpgs.

Anyway.

Remember that May is Life Without Wikipedia month, and keep, I dunno, circulating the tapes. Something something jerkass, something something Bam.

-Molo

Old School SlothMolo; Arguing on Other People’s Sites

There’s been a good question asked over on the Fogey Blog of Dark Backgrounds and Mac-iness, on the appropriateness of men serving as maids of honor (and women as best men). I was torn at first about commenting, before realizing my old comment nemesis had already posted his thoughts.

UE really started as a place where Slothboy and I could argue without completely dominating the commenting process on other blogs. We’ve been in a nice-nice funk recently, being all agreeable. It’s good to get back to the basics.

By the way, I’m totally right.

Public Service Announcement

I have critical information that I must share with you immediately. It is essential for your very survival. The magnitude of this is such that you really should sit down, if you’re somehow computing on your feet. Are you ready? Ok.

This is the best salsa in the whole damn world.

I’m not even kidding a little bit. I want to just get a spoon and eat it straight out of the bowl. Normally I get a few chips into the experience and my scalp is slightly sweaty and I have a huge grin on my face.

Seek it out. Consume it. Become one with the Salsa of Justice!

-Slothoby

Oh, No! Power Rangers (Now With Work Safety In Mind)

I was attempting to explain the phenomenon of the Power Rangers earlier today, and how it came to be that my brother and I hung a busted Atari 2600 on the wall of my room, connected it to a 13″ black and white TV, and discovered we could watch a crappy, snowy version of Power Rangers thanks to KPDX’s UHF relay station outside the City of Cow Shit.

Run on sentences aside, I was forced to draw a quick diagram showing the relationship of the Spirit Animal robots and the Zords. I think I need to take some drawing classes.

And no, it’s not to scale. I was being conservative with my size estimates.

Gate-gate

Political speech in America really needs something new beisdes the old chestnut of slapping a halfhearted -gate at the end of whatever oh-so-important political crisis or scandal which pops up every now and again. It’s clichéd, it trivializes the original import of Watergate, and eliminates the public’s freedom of thought. Is it important? Well, it must be, as the editors of the Shithole Daily Mirror have appended -gate to the end! Obviously I need an opinion on it, and lo and behold, the Shithole Daily Mirror staff is here to provide it! Wondrous stuff, I’m sure.

Of course, any suffix is going to trivialize matters, become clichéd, and tack on editorial opinions by simple use of said suffix. But at least something new would be a change, and isn’t that what this political season is all about? Change-gate.

Michelle Malkin, a jumped up little troll of a woman, did manage to warm the cockles of my heart by referring to Obama’s “God and guns, it’s whatcha got, dumb whities!” gaff as Crackerquiddick. Possibly inappropriate (no more than my own comment above), but at least it shows a little knowledge of history, has the virtue of never been tried, and thumbs the eye once again of Ted “If I Were Bobby, You Wouldn’t Care What I Did” Kennedy. I’ll always support a Chappaquiddick joke.

Couldn’t we just as easily use -hook? Does that mean anything anymore, or did we forget all about big bad Tailhook ‘91 scandal? Remember, it helped to scuttle a lot of Navy personnel, in addition to bringing down the NIS, giving Mark Harmon a new job and letting CBS put on just one more criminal investigation hour-long drama. Then again, Crackerhook sounds a bit too much like Crackerbarrel, Bitterhook or Elitist-hook both sound like microbreweries, and Oops!-hook isn’t very catchy at all. Although, I’d accept it as an amazing answer from Steven Spielberg for the question “What the hell were you thinking in the early 90s, Steve?”

I’m a fan of -fever for scandal names. Much like Saturday Night Fever, but with equal amounts of ethnic issues and less dancing. Rush Limbaugh, that magnificent bastard, made a career out of Whitewater-Fever. And remember the old days of S&L-Fever and the classic Iran-Contra-Fever? Come on, shake your body, baby; do the Contra!

Or maybe it’d be better to borrow from the British and just throw “-cockup” at the end of terrible political scandals. Something like the Lewinsky-cockup or the Spitzer-cockup. Even the classic Craig-cockup, which is also known as the Idaho Spud-cockup. If only he’d been with a prostitute; Idaho But I Let Her Go-cockup is almost too clever not to use. Possibly one could go Whedon-y and refer to Watergateage, or Rev. Wrightage, or Nothing Here, I’m Just Ron Paulage. But would the country stand for 9/11-age? Or Twin Towers-y? That might be pushing it.

Then again, we have perfectly good words and phrases to use in these situations. The Iran-Contra Affair. The Whitewater Investment Investigation. The Lewinsky Scandal/Affair. The Watergate Scandal. Sometimes, it does pay not to be cutesy, and just simply present the information, clear and precise.